My 2 Cents

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A note about the following post:  Everything here is copied verbatim from a letter I received and a copy of a letter that I wrote back in return.  I have changed some names or substituted the person’s relationship to me in parenthesis for privacy purposes.  I am open about this subject, and welcome comments/questions.  Discussing it helps me understand it better.

 

I received the following letter on a Saturday in November 2009.  I was 27 at the time.

Melinda,

You have turned out to be a beautiful young woman.  You have accomplished your goals.  It’s lucky you have (your stepfather) to thank because without him you would have never been able to attend college as you did.  I never thought you would ever speak to me in the manner you did in July.  Melinda you are only going on what you mother says and she is not always truthful to you or anyone else.  No one ever wants to think of their parent in a poor way, but you have many a time.  I recall all the phone calls when you were in college because you mother was drunk and wouldn’t stop calling your dorm.  I recall your mother punching you in the face on Christmas giving you a black eye and you going to your dads and having to lie for your mother.  I recall since I have lived in Maryland your calls as to your mothers wereabouts when she was drunk and refused to answer your calls.  So many times I can think of that I have been there for you.  My only concern is the continual lying your mother has and still does with you.  In 2002 after your mother left your dad for (your stepfather) you received a phone call from an unknown person stating that you were adopted and (your brother) was not.  This phone call was the truth.  Your mother has made your father lie to you all these years and it has been something that has bothered me forever.  What right does your mother have to withold information from you.  She wants to always look like the angel from heaven which she is far from.  Has she ever sat down with you and (your brother) and told you about the son she had and gave up for adoption befor she meat your father.  No caues your mother chooses to not think of the things she has done.  If you would like to know about your birth parents only I can give you this information because it was (?) and I that took care of your birth mothers transportation to Phila. for your birth.  Your mother even had the balls to call me and say if anything is wrong with this baby I don’t want it and your father stood ground and told her it was no different that had she given birth and what ever condition you arrived in you would be accepted as their own.  Only I know if you have other brothers and sisters, but you’ll have to ask for the information.  Even (your stepfather) told your mother it was time to stop lying to you and she still wont.  Your mother has played the game of being and innocent victim when in fact she is the one despensing all the heart ache.  She keeps and has kept everything a mistery about (your grandmother).  She feels that she is the only one that is owed anything.  I don’t want any of (your grandmother’s) belongings because its only material and (your mother) wished to invision herself as having so much money.  (Your mother) would have nothing if it weren’t for (your stepfather).  She has turned him into a scorned man just the same as (your grandmother) did to (your grandfather).  (Your stepfather) can’t even speak without first approval from your mother.  She may think she is gods gift to the world but I’ll tell you something she is a worthless piece of shit.  You go on and believe the crap she dishes out to you.  Your father, his mother, sister, brother, aunt, uncles, (grandmother), my daughter, everyone except you knows your adopted.  (Your grandmother) will play her supid game of I don’t know anything like she has all these years with our entire family.  If you ever wish to know about your birth family I am willing to tell you.

Now go call your mother so she can fucking lie to you again.  I’d call your gather first because I know he hasn’t been the one to hole this secret.  He only does so thru threats by your mother.  She even has the balls to tell everyone that if it weren’t for her your father won’t have a place to live.  She slaims she pays for the house not your father.

I’m sorry you have to learn this way, but you have choosen to follow your mother in her game of life that now there is no other way to tell you.  I’m sorry you missed out all these years of knowing the truth.

Aunt Deirdre

(my mother’s sister)

 

The following is what I wrote in response about 5 days later.

Deirdre,

I have had a few days to digest the information that was in the letter I received from you last Saturday.  There are many thoughts that have run through my mind.  I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions as well.  I have also had time to think about a lot of things.

First, let me say thank you for helping my parents with my adoption.  I truly am grateful for being given the opportunity to be raised by them.  While neither of them are perfect, they have both been great parents.

In addition, thank you for the times you’ve been there when I needed someone to talk to.  I know that I could call you and vent.  My fear is that you took much of my “venting” and temporary anger very literally.  Mom and I have had our differences; however I love her, and that will never change.  This isn’t about her though; it’s about what you did to me.

During our phone conversation on Saturday afternoon, you said that you never meant to hurt me, and that you had my best interests in mind.  But, you felt I had the right to know I was adopted.

I have really spent a great deal of time the last few days thinking, analyzing, and re-thinking this whole situation.  After a great deal of thought, I have come to the following conclusions:

1. You may not have meant to hurt me, but you knew you would.  Anyone with any sense could have figured that out.  Therefore, your main goal must have been something else.  I don’t know what, but judging from the comments in the letter it must be to get back @ mom.

2. As far as my phone number being changed, it’s been the same for over a year and a half now.  You had the number when you called me in July – remember?!  So, your claim of trying to contact me in other ways is a flat out lie as far as I am concerned.  My e-mail settings haven’t changed either.

3. I have been a “pawn” in the came of chess that you have been playing.  You even said on Saturday that giving my mother the “gift” of love and of a child may have made things better between you two.  So even in 1982, I was just an object to you-a peace offering if you will.

4. If you really did care about me, have my feelings in mind, or think about how this kind of news would have affected me, you wouldn’t have delivered it this way.  If you had any respect at all for me, and my knowledge of being adopted was the first thing on your agenda, then I wouldn’t have received a letter full of misspelled words, grammatical errors, and trashy language.  In fact, you would have left the decision to my parents.

5. The news, no matter how much you were involved in the adoption, was NOT yours to tell.  It wasn’t even your place to determine whether or not it should be told.

When it comes down to it, I have no Idea what your true intentions were.  All I know is what you did was malicious and cruel.  Not because being adopted is a horrible thing to find out, but the way you went about telling me was disrespectful and down-right mean.  As the parent of adopted children, you should have respected my parents decisions whether you agreed or not.

Finally, I’m fine with being adopted.  As of right now, I have no idea if I want to meet my birth mother.  She hasn’t tried to find me, so I don’t really see why I should look for her.  Plus, I love my parents and their flaws – probably even more now than I did before.

I have no desire to keep in contact with you.  I am tired of being a game piece.

Melinda

 

Most of what my Aunt said in the letter was true, but there were some complete fabrications.  I continue to feel pretty much the same way I did in my response letter.  I am still not sure whether I would like to meet my birth parents.  Although, it would be cool to see if my little one has any of my family’s features.  I still don’t speak to my aunt, nor does anyone else in my family.  Even almost two years later, some days it just hits me like a brick that I am adopted.  I guess that’s just what makes me who I am though.

Over the past few years I’ve often had thoughts, opinions, ideas, rants or raves (about products, books, movies, etc.)  that I wanted to write down.  I’ve just never committed to doing so.

As I start this blog about my life and opinions, my husband says that I’m opening myself up for criticism, and that people will just disagree with me.  I say, isn’t that what life is about, and what if they DO agree with me?  I’m not stupid, I know that I have opinions that are sometimes different from the norm.  However, I was raised to believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  I may not always agree with it, but I do enjoy hearing what others have to say, even when it doesn’t coincide with what I think.

I don’t profess to be a great writer, although I do hope that the following posts are remotely entertaining or helpful to some.

I hope you’ll keep reading!



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  • currans2cents: The original blog that sparked all of your angst was written purely as an OPINION piece. As you stated, we are entitled to have them. I truly am int
  • Mychal B.: It doesn't "seem" like you are only picking on JoePa, you ARE only picking on JoePa. Mike McQueary has received no disciplinary actions against him fo
  • Mychal B.: Um, I never claimed to understand anything about the war. I wasn't aware that the war had anything to do with this case. I also never said that becaus