My 2 Cents

A Life-Altering Letter

Posted on: August 8, 2011

A note about the following post:  Everything here is copied verbatim from a letter I received and a copy of a letter that I wrote back in return.  I have changed some names or substituted the person’s relationship to me in parenthesis for privacy purposes.  I am open about this subject, and welcome comments/questions.  Discussing it helps me understand it better.


I received the following letter on a Saturday in November 2009.  I was 27 at the time.


You have turned out to be a beautiful young woman.  You have accomplished your goals.  It’s lucky you have (your stepfather) to thank because without him you would have never been able to attend college as you did.  I never thought you would ever speak to me in the manner you did in July.  Melinda you are only going on what you mother says and she is not always truthful to you or anyone else.  No one ever wants to think of their parent in a poor way, but you have many a time.  I recall all the phone calls when you were in college because you mother was drunk and wouldn’t stop calling your dorm.  I recall your mother punching you in the face on Christmas giving you a black eye and you going to your dads and having to lie for your mother.  I recall since I have lived in Maryland your calls as to your mothers wereabouts when she was drunk and refused to answer your calls.  So many times I can think of that I have been there for you.  My only concern is the continual lying your mother has and still does with you.  In 2002 after your mother left your dad for (your stepfather) you received a phone call from an unknown person stating that you were adopted and (your brother) was not.  This phone call was the truth.  Your mother has made your father lie to you all these years and it has been something that has bothered me forever.  What right does your mother have to withold information from you.  She wants to always look like the angel from heaven which she is far from.  Has she ever sat down with you and (your brother) and told you about the son she had and gave up for adoption befor she meat your father.  No caues your mother chooses to not think of the things she has done.  If you would like to know about your birth parents only I can give you this information because it was (?) and I that took care of your birth mothers transportation to Phila. for your birth.  Your mother even had the balls to call me and say if anything is wrong with this baby I don’t want it and your father stood ground and told her it was no different that had she given birth and what ever condition you arrived in you would be accepted as their own.  Only I know if you have other brothers and sisters, but you’ll have to ask for the information.  Even (your stepfather) told your mother it was time to stop lying to you and she still wont.  Your mother has played the game of being and innocent victim when in fact she is the one despensing all the heart ache.  She keeps and has kept everything a mistery about (your grandmother).  She feels that she is the only one that is owed anything.  I don’t want any of (your grandmother’s) belongings because its only material and (your mother) wished to invision herself as having so much money.  (Your mother) would have nothing if it weren’t for (your stepfather).  She has turned him into a scorned man just the same as (your grandmother) did to (your grandfather).  (Your stepfather) can’t even speak without first approval from your mother.  She may think she is gods gift to the world but I’ll tell you something she is a worthless piece of shit.  You go on and believe the crap she dishes out to you.  Your father, his mother, sister, brother, aunt, uncles, (grandmother), my daughter, everyone except you knows your adopted.  (Your grandmother) will play her supid game of I don’t know anything like she has all these years with our entire family.  If you ever wish to know about your birth family I am willing to tell you.

Now go call your mother so she can fucking lie to you again.  I’d call your gather first because I know he hasn’t been the one to hole this secret.  He only does so thru threats by your mother.  She even has the balls to tell everyone that if it weren’t for her your father won’t have a place to live.  She slaims she pays for the house not your father.

I’m sorry you have to learn this way, but you have choosen to follow your mother in her game of life that now there is no other way to tell you.  I’m sorry you missed out all these years of knowing the truth.

Aunt Deirdre

(my mother’s sister)


The following is what I wrote in response about 5 days later.


I have had a few days to digest the information that was in the letter I received from you last Saturday.  There are many thoughts that have run through my mind.  I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions as well.  I have also had time to think about a lot of things.

First, let me say thank you for helping my parents with my adoption.  I truly am grateful for being given the opportunity to be raised by them.  While neither of them are perfect, they have both been great parents.

In addition, thank you for the times you’ve been there when I needed someone to talk to.  I know that I could call you and vent.  My fear is that you took much of my “venting” and temporary anger very literally.  Mom and I have had our differences; however I love her, and that will never change.  This isn’t about her though; it’s about what you did to me.

During our phone conversation on Saturday afternoon, you said that you never meant to hurt me, and that you had my best interests in mind.  But, you felt I had the right to know I was adopted.

I have really spent a great deal of time the last few days thinking, analyzing, and re-thinking this whole situation.  After a great deal of thought, I have come to the following conclusions:

1. You may not have meant to hurt me, but you knew you would.  Anyone with any sense could have figured that out.  Therefore, your main goal must have been something else.  I don’t know what, but judging from the comments in the letter it must be to get back @ mom.

2. As far as my phone number being changed, it’s been the same for over a year and a half now.  You had the number when you called me in July – remember?!  So, your claim of trying to contact me in other ways is a flat out lie as far as I am concerned.  My e-mail settings haven’t changed either.

3. I have been a “pawn” in the came of chess that you have been playing.  You even said on Saturday that giving my mother the “gift” of love and of a child may have made things better between you two.  So even in 1982, I was just an object to you-a peace offering if you will.

4. If you really did care about me, have my feelings in mind, or think about how this kind of news would have affected me, you wouldn’t have delivered it this way.  If you had any respect at all for me, and my knowledge of being adopted was the first thing on your agenda, then I wouldn’t have received a letter full of misspelled words, grammatical errors, and trashy language.  In fact, you would have left the decision to my parents.

5. The news, no matter how much you were involved in the adoption, was NOT yours to tell.  It wasn’t even your place to determine whether or not it should be told.

When it comes down to it, I have no Idea what your true intentions were.  All I know is what you did was malicious and cruel.  Not because being adopted is a horrible thing to find out, but the way you went about telling me was disrespectful and down-right mean.  As the parent of adopted children, you should have respected my parents decisions whether you agreed or not.

Finally, I’m fine with being adopted.  As of right now, I have no idea if I want to meet my birth mother.  She hasn’t tried to find me, so I don’t really see why I should look for her.  Plus, I love my parents and their flaws – probably even more now than I did before.

I have no desire to keep in contact with you.  I am tired of being a game piece.



Most of what my Aunt said in the letter was true, but there were some complete fabrications.  I continue to feel pretty much the same way I did in my response letter.  I am still not sure whether I would like to meet my birth parents.  Although, it would be cool to see if my little one has any of my family’s features.  I still don’t speak to my aunt, nor does anyone else in my family.  Even almost two years later, some days it just hits me like a brick that I am adopted.  I guess that’s just what makes me who I am though.


6 Responses to "A Life-Altering Letter"

That was quite a harsh letter to you. I am very much so impressed with how you handled it and your response. I had no idea some of the struggles and issues you have had in the recent years and how hard all of this must of been. A good friend of mine is adopted and she had decided to not look for her birth parents either. She is at peace with the idea and loves the family that adopted her. Thats all the family she needs. Also, if it was your aunt that told you that you were adopted she so had no right to do that.


Heather, thanks for that! I feel the same way as your friend, but I really wish to know about medical history, for my sake, and the baby’s. I’ve tried to find out information from the lawyer that handled the adoption, and from the county courts, but haven’t had much luck. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.

1) Wow. My heart goes to you that you have been facing this.
2) I agree u should know but the method and reasoning? Who knows.
3) In regards to finding birth parents- I found my dad. And its been very great and difficult. But one thing I wanted to mention is yes the similarities are fun to find but what I find priceless is the genetic history esp. The knowledge I have now that my family has very strong chances of getting cancer. Breast cancer in particular. And the history of issues that are appearing in Logan. It has helped me help diagnose Logan and keep a look out for myself. So maybe find out that info. More fam does cause more of everything- joy, grief, drama etc. Good luck with making your decision (that will never be done)

And I commend you for not saying your mom is perfect but pointing out your appreciation for what you have and stating your unconditional love for the good bad and ugky. You wrote an excellent letter imo. A very mature letter.

I agree Cory. I want to know some things, but I already have a family. I don’t need all of the extra drama. But, like I told Heather (above), I do want to know medical history, and stuff like that.


I think there are a few more issues that need to be brought to light so everyone understands the calaber of this woman.
1. She had adopted two of her own children, both girls.
2 She returned the older of the two girls to the state of Nevada, saying she couldn’t handle her.
3. The other daughter she brought East with her only to throw her out of her boyfriends home at 18 in eleventh grade because he didn’t like her. The girl inturn went to live with some family whose daughter went to school with her until graduation.
4 Last year this daughter, unwed, gave birth a little boy Ryan. She was there at the birth and put the daughter and grandson in a shelter after birth because her husband wouldn ‘t like it the the daughter and grandson came back to HIS house.
5. Last but not least this person that has such opinions to share is now on her EIGHTH husband.
Her name is Deirdre Melinda Summers, Johnson, Snowden,Oriay, Figuera,Taylor,Carlson, Rosaschi, Archibald. She lives in Deal Island, Maryland.

Min –

Heavy stuff. Rough stuff. It’s funny – sometimes life is harder than other times. And I’ve looked at Bill and said, “Ug. I’m overwhelmed with life right now. I need to get through this season, THEN it will be better. It will get better (if…) or (when…).” And I’m starting to realize that life doesn’t get better. Not in a depressing way. But life will always throw it’s challenges. And I’m starting to think that being HAPPY comes from accepting our lot, accepting our circumstances and learning to THRIVE in them. I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like. But if I keep waiting for (if) or (when), I’m missing out on a lot of joy. I saw this Hallmark card plaque (cheesy, I know) and it said, “Bloom where you are planted.” And as cheesy as it was, it really struck me. I need to bloom where I am planted: I need to thrive no matter what my circumstances are, DESPITE my circumstances. I can’t let myself wither or fade or miss out on chances for growth. I need to nurture myself, soak up the sunshine, and let the flowers bloom.

Here is to blooming where we are planted…

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